There are certain truths that we take to be self-evident.
1) When you're riding your bike and you slam on the front brake, you will wind up in pain on the floor.
2) Pirates are generally of the criminal persuasion, Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp notwithstanding.
3) I have no shot with movie stars.
Well, we may need to re-write some of those rules...
First, there are those pirates off the coast of Somalia who captured a freighter carrying tons of heavy weapons and explosives. Perhaps someone can explain to me how some guys in what amounts to souped-up fishing boats are able to take over a giant cargo ship. I mean, couldn't the ship just not stop?
That aside, it seems that the pirates gave a lengthy interview to the New York Times. (I can just imagine dinner time conversation at Mr. Gettleman's house: "Hi honey, how was your day?" "Oh, pretty good, I burned my tongue on my coffee then spoke to those guys who hijacked that freighter for about an hour..."). In the interview, the pirate spokesperson claims that their only mission is to protect Somali water from illegal fishing.
Huh... so apparently this is all in the name of the environment and ecosystems. That's OK in my book. So, I guess we'll need to re-write that rule. I propose this: Pirates are people who sometimes do bad things to accomplish overall good. Or something like that.
Then there's this issue of the endo.
I've been relatively fortunate in my cycling, having suffered only one end-over-ass crash. It was in May's Bear Mountain race. It hurt, a lot. But fear the endo no longer! I was recently forwarded this video (the best part is at the end, so you can just skip the first half):
I know!! He just rolls right over!
I'm not sure how well the bike would perform with the rider out of the saddle, but it's still the coolest thing ever. I've just ordered three. And so, we must re-write another rule: Ednos can be avoided, even when slamming on your front break, when you suspend yourself in the center of a giant metal circle. Actually, screw metal... let's make these babies out of vertically-compliant carbon.
Finally, there's the matter of movie stars. Ever since I missed my opportunity to fit Jennifer Connelly for sneakers back in my Jack Rabbit days (she lives in Park Slope), I've been pining for a movie starlet. Not any one in particular, just in general.
Just make sure you wipe the drool off your chin when you're done reading
So, I was somewhat encourage today, when I realized that Anne Hathaway, of Brokeback Mountain fame, and who I just saw on the Late Show with Dave Letterman, is originally from Brooklyn (this leads me to forgive her for growing up in Jersey). Not only that, but she's recently single, and, at 25 with a November birthday, is the perfect age for me.
Don't ask me how I'm going to seal the deal... I'm still working on the details, but regardless, I think it's safe to say that I DO have a shot, and therefore, we'll need to re-write this rule as well.