If these hills could talk...

These are the Adirondack foothills

They look scenic and serene
But they harbor dark secrets

I was out for my usual mid week training ride in the foothills of the Adirondacks this morning when something wholly unexpected transpired. Something so shocking and frightening that I think my world may never again be the same. It seems that one quiet Adirondack village is not as quiet or innocent as I once thought it was.

I was mid-way up West Mountain Road, a long, grinding climb that takes you from Rt. 9N to South Shore Road, on Lake Sacandaga. I've ridden this road dozens of times during my time here in Saratoga County. But never before today had I realized that right under my over-sized schnoz, something diabolical and scandalous was happening. Something so horrible that it could make the Manhattan Project seem like a mere sneeze in a galaxy of evil doings.

This thing came running at me
It moved like a dog
But stung like a bullet

Here's what happened: I was riding up the mountain, cruising by a sort of run-down looking domicile that you expect to see up here in the boonies. This one has several broken down trucks and rusty race cars in the front yard. As usual, this one also had a couple of intimidating dogs running around in the dusty yard. Not the sort of place where you expect scientists to be working on high-tech weapons.

But those assumptions left me just as soon as one of the dogs attacked me with a flurry of barks and jaw snaps. The dog ran at me as I rode by. This sort of thing happens on a semi-regular basis, but usually the dog turns away at the last second. This time was different. The dog ran straight for my rear wheel, and with a snap of its jaw, removed the valve stem on my rear wheel, instantaneously giving me a flat, and taking away my ability to escape the dog's wrath. With me unable to ride away, and with little chance of running in my cleats, the beast reared around to charge again.

Here's the truncated valve stem
Even with the wheel spinning,
this dog knew exactly what to target.

Of course, I did exactly what any cyclist would do in this situation, and shouted at the dog to heel. The dog was undeterred, but my shouts summoned the owner/creator, who corralled the beast. Of course, he didn't bother to ask if I needed any help after the dog's attack. I didn't say anything either, because I was too flabbergasted at what had just transpired.

Here's what a complete valve looks like
Have you ever seen a dog bite through metal?
I haven't.

I've never before seen a dog bite through metal. And that's how I knew this was no regular dog. I had just been attacked by what is apparently the most heavily-guarded military secret since the Manhattan Project, and right here in Corinth. Well, after I got home, I immediately went into reporter mode.

This early "Robodog" was poorly disguised
The one that attacked me was much more advanced
That one even smelled like a dog

I pulled on some olive-drab and went into deep cover, infiltrating the U.S. military complex. I wasn't able to learn if these beasts are already taking down terrorists in Iraq, but one thing is for sure: photos that I was able to obtain from a secret contact I met within the Pentagon shows how advanced the device that attacked me must have been.

A later incarnation of the technology allowed soldiers safely in the Green Zone
to control the robodogs via remote control
In this photo, a prototype is carefully observed

During my investigation, I learned that the Army has been developing the weapon system in secret, in the Adirondack foothills. Apparently, they rationalized that no one would ever look for weapons so far away from likely sights for weapons development. Well, it may have worked for a while, but whoever let that dog out this morning didn't anticipate me coming along. They thought they would be able to let these dogs carry out secret missions, completely unbeknown to mainstream media and public, but I think the public has a right to know that man's best friend might not be so friendly.

This robodog is designed to infiltrate terrorist toy stores
He may look cute and cuddly,
but his bite is much more ferocious than his bark