Supersoak dat what?

Who wouldn't love this face?
Soulja's got a secret... but he won't tell...
I got his number.

Last Friday, after a nice home cooked Pad Thai dinner with our friends Dante, Becca and Leila, Becky and I decided we needed a night out. I had had a very long week at work, and Becky had had a long week of studying for the GRE and putting together graduate school applications, so we (and especially me) had drunk a fair bit to forget the week's many trials.

The drinks made the long, cold walk down to Caroline Street, the center of Saratoga's night life, almost tolerable. We went into the City Tavern, which is five stories tall, and has a bar on each floor.

We made our way up to the fourth floor, where there's a DJ and a dance floor. We'd been there about five minutes when Soulja Boy's "Crank That" came on. Instantly, what had been a relatively sedate dance floor started bouncing and writhing. Everyone was singing along, and all the women seemed to know the song's proprietary dance, ala the Mokeraina. The chorus of the song is "Superman dat hoe." Becky turned to me and said: "Do you know what that is? Superman?"

"Uh... a comic book character?" (At the time, I was convinced the lyric was "superman down low," and yes, I do know that that doesn't make any sense.)

Now, "Crank That," is one of those songs with a simple, catchy beat, a chorus of steal drums in the background, and unintelligible lyrics. I'd heard the song before, I've even rocked out to in the car, but had never thought about the lyrics. I told Becky I didn't know what "superman" was.

Well, let me tell you, a comic books couldn't be farther from the truth. This next bit is not for the squeamish.

According to Becky (and confirmed by the Urban Dictionary), "Superman" is when a guy ejaculates on a girl's back, while she's asleep, and sticks a sheet or light towel to the mess. In a couple hours, when the semen becomes dry and crunchy, the sheet or towel is stuck to her back, and when she stands up -- viola -- a cape. Just like Superman...

Now tell me, does it make any sense that all the women would get so excited about a song with such gross lyrics? I didn't think so, so I did a little research.

First, I looked up the song's lyrics. Not only are we to believe that Soulja Boy executes the aforementioned deviant act on said hoe, but he also "cranks dat" (strokes his penis) about 4,000 times during the song, in preparation for the culminating act. Then, he "supersoaks dat hoe," (ejaculates on the woman, presumably on her back.) Then, I suppose, comes the superman. Why, you might be thinking, is this poor woman asleep? Perhaps the unimaginative lyric bored her.

Well, I would say that those lyrics are pretty explicit. Certainly not appropriate for a younger audience, and I don't think they could play the song on the radio. Soulja clearly has little or no respect for the hoes he's superman-ing, so why is this song such a hit, especially with the women at City Tavern? I knew I needed to dig a little deeper, so I checked out the song's video.

I was a little nervous, because when it was time to watch the video Becky and Becca were sitting on the couch with me. Was this going to be an awkward moment where the three of us were treated to video depictions of Soulja ejaculating onto some poor model's back? Thankfully, no. The video is surprisingly tame.

Mostly it shows Soulja wearing an over-sized pair of white sunglasses like the ones Andreas Kloden wore during the 2005 Tour de France. Except that Soulja has written his own name in white crayon across his lenses. At first I thought he'd done it to remind himself of his name. Then I realized that didn't make sense, because the name would be backwards if he were looking through the glasses. So, I figure the name must be to remind us of his name, so that we can remember not to buy his album when we see it at the record store.

Other than the gargantuan sunglasses, the only thing that stood out in the video was a silly dance in which Soulja and other members of his crew sort of jump back, while leaning their torsos forward, a pose that makes their baggy sweat suits hang off their limbs, creating a cape-like effect.

Well there was the answer right in front of me! Soulja never intended to ejaculate on any woman's back... HE is the hoe! And the song isn't about what he does, it's about what he wants done to him. No wonder all the women at the tavern were so excited about the song: "Finally," they must be thinking, "Here's a performer who wants to be disrespected as much as most performers want to disrespect women." What a cou for women everywhere.

Well, good for you, Soulja Boy. But my suggestion to you is that next time, you should just come out and say what you mean, so that I won't have to do all the digging to figure out what you're saying.